Good Moring All
Separation – What should I do?
It takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break a relationship.
Where children are involved in a relationship, the consequences of that relationship extend far beyond the immediate parties. It is often the children who bear the most profound and lasting impact. Whether it’s the emotional, psychological, or practical effects, children are deeply influenced by the dynamics of the adults around them. In any situation—whether it’s a harmonious relationship, a breakdown, or even a restructuring—the well-being of the children should always remain the primary focus, as they are often the most vulnerable and affected individuals.
In Australia, the sole ground for divorce is a separation of 12 months with no prospect of reconciliation. Having worked extensively in family law and keeping up with the latest relationship research, I have gathered insights that may benefit those navigating these challenging situations.
Separation is rarely a decision made lightly, yet one common oversight I’ve encountered is the failure to recognize that it takes two to build—and two to break—a relationship. Most people enter relationships, particularly when children are involved, with a foundation of love and respect. However, global statistics, including those in Australia, indicate that approximately 50% of couples will experience a relationship breakdown. This is often observed after the birth of children, when the stresses of parenthood emerge, leading partners to neglect the nurturing and growth of their relationship.
As with any endeavour—be it business, gardening, or personal growth—research consistently shows that a relationship needs to be continuously tended to, if it is to flourish. Mutual respect, care, and effort are essential for a relationship’s long-term success. When either partner ceases to invest in these elements, the bond is likely to weaken, underscoring the importance of ongoing attention and intentional growth, in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Balancing work, raising children, and maintaining a relationship can be a significant challenge. In the midst of managing day-to-day responsibilities, it’s common for couples to neglect the care and support of each other’s needs due to time constraints. This often results in partners gradually drifting apart, straining their relationship. Based on my experience and current relationship research, I strongly recommend relationship and family counselling as an effective tool to address these issues before they become insurmountable.
Children thrive when they have both parents actively involved in a positive, healthy relationship. Such a bond between parents fosters a nurturing environment that promotes a child’s emotional and psychological development, helping them transition into adulthood. Research consistently shows that when parents fail to support each other’s growth—and, by extension, the growth of their relationship—not only does the couple’s relationship deteriorate, but it also negatively affects the parent-child dynamic. By prioritizing support and intentional growth within the relationship, parents can safeguard both their partnership and the well-being of their children.
In my practice, I have often encouraged clients facing relationship challenges, particularly where neither partner has breached the other’s values, to step back and consider the broader picture before making any final decisions about separation. One method I recommend is for both partners to take some time to reflect by writing down the following:
a. The characteristics that initially brought them together;
b. The best and worst traits they see in themselves; and
c. The worst and best traits they perceive in their partner.
Once these lists are completed, I encourage couples to carefully consider the potential consequences of permanent separation, particularly its impact on their children, other important relationships, and their financial situation, especially with the distribution of assets that separation will inevitably bring. This reflective process, done by hand-writing the lists, often leads to more thoughtful and measured decisions. In some cases, a planned and respectful short separation, supported by professionals, can provide the necessary time and space for both parties to gain clarity and reflect without making irreversible decisions.
Privacy is crucial during this process. Children, especially young ones who cannot fully understand the complexities of adult relationships, should be shielded from these discussions. Involving them can cause confusion and emotional strain. Furthermore, social media should be avoided entirely, as airing private matters publicly tends to exacerbate issues and create further division. Every relationship is unique, and it is essential to seek professional legal and relationship advice tailored to your individual circumstances. Well-meaning advice from friends, often based on their own experiences, can sometimes be inappropriate or even harmful, adding confusion rather than clarity to an already complex situation.
If you or someone you know needs assistance with your family matter or the drafting of a financial agreement either before, during or after separation, please do not hesitate in contacting me for a confidential meeting.
Kind Regards,
Jeffrey
0419 233 670
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